Healing At The Detour

Have you ever asked the LORD to save you from yourself? That’s something I have asked realizing how much I am prone to wander and to leave the God I love. These days, it’s humanly impossible of me to fix my eyes unto Jesus. Not until what I regard was a Psalm 34 experience. Now what is a devotion doing in Mental health initiative blog? It was for that experience that my personal stigma towards mental health interventions (no matter how covert) was broken and I was encouraged to keep on heeding His call to set the captives free. While my story of recovery would not apply to all, there could be some general truth anyone hurt can apply.

WHat Just Happened?

Psalm 34 sounds like an awesome song of Wisdom and Praise. Honestly, its hugot wasn’t. This Psalm was said to be written by David, prior to his Kingship. He was hated by Saul to the point of wanting to kill him. He escaped the king who irrationally hated him, and deceived the priest (with sort of white lies)-getting him the bread of the covenant to eat, and the sword of Goliath to carry. Where did he go? To Gath -the place of the giant he killed. I went through an ordeal that caused me trauma with weird bodily responses in spite of rational thoughts. David intentionally acted like crazy, consumed perhaps by total fear and anxiety.

David was hated by Saul for no reason. I was hated for my insensitivity in sharing posts of others that I would not write in my feed, as they put my friends in political colors. So, when I was personally attacked, totally blind to what I shared – my initial response was to flee. Being told rude and insolent, being attacked to my core which is my faith- having had a history of bullying; I hit ‘ignore messages’ and auto unfollowed the person. That was April 13.

David did some crazy things in response to his attacker. That was where I could relate. May 7, I visited my filtered messages for some fundraisers but ended up checking the pandora box-ignored messages. There I found a long banter with a flavor of gas-lighting. I did not engage in white lies. But it was a fool of me that instead of asking the person, where is she coming from; I put my shoe in defense mode and asked her to stop attacking my person but attend to the fallacies, if there were any, to posts on my own wall about social issues. I totally forgot ‘Hurt people hurt people’.So she went on with personally attacking me and again I fled. Until she went to work group chats telling people I attacked her. And, they all believed her without hearing me out. I got wounded and bruised. Only then was I awakened on what I failed to do- “Turn the other cheek’.

WHen The Healing Begins

That very day May 7,Was I mad? Asked GOD what are those crazy things I mentioned in prayer. I know HIS answer- Forgive! Something I managed to do remembering the forgiveness I received. While I was still in pain, I had to keep on asking Him to open my eyes and remove the speck from my own eye. May 15,2020-I went back to journaling verse per verse. He removed a big telephone beam from my eyes through these verses:

‘1I will bless the Lord at all times;

his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

2My soul makes its boast in the Lord;

Let the humble hear and be glad.’

3Oh, magnify the Lord with me,

and let us exalt his name together!

Truth be told, I haven’t really re-learned how to genuinely bless him at all times. May 15, 2020-I realised To bless the LORD at all times meant a consistent utterance of his praise. And I was not really consistent. While I agree that dissent has a space in this fallen world, most especially for Christians. I have failed expressing the truth in love on several occasions. How can I make my ‘boast in the Lord’? For the longest time- I haven’t so really. Of course that attitude derails the humble from hearing and being glad. How can I then call people to magnify (praise the LORD for who He really is) the LORD with me and ask them that we may exalt His Name together? That very time, I can only bask in the forgiveness afforded to me by JESUS that if I confess my sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive me from all my sins and cleanse me from all my unrighteousness(1 John 1:9).

WHat To Remember

Fear has always something to do in the future. While troubles are already present. It feels good to remember I am heard. I, of all people, can say that God has never and will never break His track record of faithfulness. As someone not diagnosed, With regards to getting back up from a relational conflict and trauma, which may not be as hard as recovering from a mental episode; even so I felt running on empty of hope. I can only trust the good work He has started in me, He will bring into completion until He comes.(Philippians 1:6)

4I sought the Lord, and he answered me

and delivered me from all my fears.

5Those who look to him are radiant,

and their faces shall never be ashamed.

6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him

and saved him out of all his troubles.

May 16,2020- I was encouraged the numbers of times in the past where a fearful situation led me to seek the LORD. HE did not just get me out of the circumstances, HE attended my call, heard my crying and delivered me out of all my troubles. And I wrote,

‘I don’t know where I’d be without the LORD. As one who experienced being beaten and verbally abused by my own father- HE has been My Heavenly Father (GOD reconciled me to papa already and he’s changed a lot), one who was unintentionally abandoned as a kid by people dear to her- HE is My Family and One True Friend. I had once suffered bullying, and ever since HE has bestowed upon me comfort upon comfort and peace upon peace. I’ve put myself in situations that caused me seemingly irreparable damages. HE affirmed His presence and delivered me. He caused people that bullied me from elementary to College, not just say sorry but one came to Christ before we graduated College. I could have lost being a Science Class student, 2nd year but I made it with flying colors up to the fourth year. I could have lost all scholarships in college but I did not. I could have not finished college but I did. A lot of dangers would have happened while I was working away from home but I was spared from all of them. I've had healing even in the scar of my lungs-all because GOD is good.’

The day after, I was encouraged to lift up to HIM my fears and troubles. I honestly feared a possible requirement to go to the hospital and incur COVID 19. But God provided for tele-consultation. Talking about troubles-they are real and they abound for each day. But I am reminded of JESUS (John 14:1).So I just poured my heart out to Him. If there is one thing to bridge me from these troubles to where I should be, it is that my LORD cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

Meeting Jesus In David's Crazy Psalm

7 The angel of the Lord encamps

around those who fear him, and delivers them.

At a glance, I would imagine ‘angels’ having camps around wherever His people are. But I did have my own experience of Psalms 34:7, looking back that May 7. Remembering that ‘I do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.’,my imprecatory prayers were turned not to the people I might have hurt too, but against those spiritual forces of evil. I thought His angels encamping around about me were defeating forces of unforgiveness and prejudices. As I write this, I just remembered what the writer of the book of Hebrew said- angels could be people. I am grateful for the Angels that encamp round about me among my Church Family. On one occasion, after hearing me out-I was asked if my attacker knew I love her. With all the attacks, that question reminds me ‘Hurt people hurt people’. That very time, I was convicted to make amends but was consumed by fear. Until my fears, HE subdued.

And then I realized, the Psalm did not say ‘angels’. David was referring to One Messenger of The LORD. He must have regarded Him as an angel like how Hagar thought of The Lord in their first encounter (Genesis 16:9,13-14). Could it be JESUS? After all, The only reason I can forgive those people who hurt me, is how ‘He was wounded for my transgressions bruised for my iniquities, the chastisement that has brought me peace was upon Him.’ Onset of the slander, I wanted to post screenshots of our convo to defend myself. Seeing how people responded to accusations over me, I thought, ‘ Who would listen to me?’. After praying, I went to my supervisor, then I was asked to say ‘Sorry’ in the GC just to clear things up. Not that I don’t want to say sorry. But at that time, It would not be genuine as I did not know my offense. Then I sought counsel from Human resources, having been told by them that they offer counseling. But of course, I cannot expect them to be available pronto. By His (Jesus's) wounds, I may be hurting but positionally, am healed. I poured my hurts out on HIM knowing that I do not have a high priest that was not tempted by my infirmities but in all ways, was tempted and did not sin.

May 7 noon to May 8 evening was like a long night for me. The following day I was addressed by HR, and by the conviction of the Holy Spirit- I dared not file a complaint, I simply asked help for addressing my Mental health. I was empowered to apologise wholeheartedly for my fair share of wrong. Proverbs 9:8 helped me listen without trying to defend myself. While I have none of my posts against her personally, who am I to judge her at her pain. I caused it still, no matter how unintentional. No matter how ugly it seemed, GOD used her attack to restore my heart to Himself. GOD used her responses to my apology to understand not just how hurt she must be but the narrative that ‘Bullying exists because there are people worthy of bullying’ exists. (I told her the reason my response was to flee was how the attack triggered traces of childhood bullying).On the other hand, that is a social misconception that will not be addressed had I tried correcting her, something that encouraged me to keep on keeping on with the Mental Health advocacy. She quoted one person's response based on her slander- that I do not know how to pay debt of gratitude as if ‘me attacking her’ was real. It must be how she felt after I replied in defense of a past lengthy personal attack so I let it go.

The Inevitable Cause

The week that followed was normal and usual. Except for random cases where the desire to defend myself arises and I had to wrestle with it by His Word. Until Saturday afternoon, I was triggered by a chat that is so innocent. I understand, it came from stress; my body would have the reaction to the trauma of being attacked on chat and not listened to. I tried to conquer the thought ‘How will I adhere to something I wasn’t told.’ I had a panic attack. Sure I know better but I surely have to be attended professionally. My Supervisor was an angel at work allowing me the time to call for help over the phone, giving me a sense of relief that perhaps at work-someone understands. I reached out to every helpline possible to no avail, that very day. It was painful, but it’s one of those times I felt God nearer than ever. It was over the link on line of our company’s Employees Assistance Program that I was able to speak with a Psychologist. The RPsy did life coaching and I was just thankful that I was able to vent. But that time, I could not process as much as yet. My mom has always been an Angel-she gave me the referral to an RPm (Registered Psychometrician) who counted her work as a ministry. I realized that what the RPm did was life coaching too. Miss Chona, listened to me and helped me deviate from the self abasing thought that would have taken root unconsciously. She helped me process things with a Biblical point of view. She indeed is an Angel, not just to me but to a lot more people. And our meeting happened right when I could sort of process things better. That weekend, I realized that some angels(messengers of God) do not know they are angels. In fact the pain caused by bullying and slander caused me sorrow that leads to repentance, thus the person the enemy used to inflict the pain-acted sort of an angel that drew my heart closer to Him.

The Crossroad

‘Is it (this depression) a storm of Jonah or a storm of the disciples?’

Miss Chona deemed that the toxicity at the workplace can escalate the condition. I asked to be given a week to hear from the LORD to discern the answer to the question she threw. It’s related to something I have long been asking- ‘Am I being sent home by a fish or is my faith just simply tested?’. As I write this, for that week given to me to rest, there was not a day that a company nurse failed checking on me. They too are His angels. I will speak with Miss Chona again on Monday and take it from there.

Why would the ‘The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him’? I would seriously imagine camps of angels around wherever I am, recalling my experience. But hey! David said it was ‘The Angel of the LORD’. It must be an allusion to the Son of God-JESUS. I can only recall the Great Commission as David mentioned how the Angel of the Lord ‘encamps’,not ‘lives’ around those who fear Him. Who knows if GOD will call me somewhere else? That may be is subjected to the feeling of being way too tired already, for all I know. If it’s so, I only need to come to Him to find rest and get back on the same track. Otherwise, I just need to trust that wherever I’ll be next-there HE’ll be, and that HE will still surround me with His angels like they did in this experience. Actually HE surrounded me and I just experienced Him through the angels I mentioned, who are actually people.

My Takeaways

As of now, more than a requirement to heal- I am writing to encourage whoever you are reading this- feeling alone, unheard, despised to look unto ‘JESUS, the Author and Perfecter of Our Faith’. Based on experience, If you get distracted, HE can use anything to get your gaze back. You will never regret it. Look at me, I can prove that ‘Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.’ as mentioned in Psalms 34.Of course this is figurative, and is solely based on God’s work of redeeming me from condemnation. From here, for as long as I am on earth- I will always be needing deliverance but HE will just do all that. He will finish what He started. The pain HE allowed me to suffer afforded me to experience His deliverance, not just from people’s attack but from my wayward mind.

HE even addressed my own unconscious stigma towards mental health. I got helped by able and loving people He sent. HE opened my eyes that the social problem of abuser/manipulative narrative possesses very personal impact to a lot of people like me. And, sadly the narrative is ingrained in the culture. I am never in the business of correcting people but by His grace, shed light to this narrative that invites the stigma towards people in pain, specially those with Mental Illness. We will not stop until He comes.