SINGING THROUGH THE FIRE (The Mic That Law school Is)

‘Ang parehong tawag na humawak ng mikropono at tumuntong sa entablado,

Ay ang parehong tawag na mag-aral at magbabad sa libro’

Poetry is my sweet escape to the harsh reality. Actually, what brought me to spoken poetry was that desire to end the stigma on Mental Health and feel with the people about the injustices they experience. Perhaps, by my works, my audience will want to do something. Earning applause and finger snaps was not enough. I prayed that I, myself, would be enabled to do something. I recalled that childhood dream of becoming a lawyer. Considering the cost of living in the Metro and adulting in general; not to mention the reality that my memory would not be ‘apt for rigorous study’- I put the dream back in its coffin.

While I’ve been a Mental Health Advocate for a while now, and have been telling people that there’s nothing wrong with seeking clinical help, it was only after that nightmare at my previous work place, was I confronted with my own stigma towards ‘seeking clinical help’. It did not take long before I felt better, but having affirmed how much I am wired towards Social Justice with the help of the Doctor; I prayed for provision, affirmation and a strong support system if the ‘The Call’ to enter Law School is for me. My mother offered to cover my tuition fee. Then, I met someone in the Legal Profession whom I look up to, and was joined to her advocacy -Bawat Isa Mahalaga(B1M). B1M gave me a strong support group of fellow Christians who look to their nationality as stewardship, a number of them being law students. I must say the LORD raised my dead dream back to life. I knew that difficult would be an understatement, but I told myself that if GOD called me to it, HE will get me through it.

When people say that each letter in ‘ATTY’, represents a law student’s experience for every year level; the first letter signifying a school year of ‘A-djustments’, I never thought that my whole first year-first sem experience was a mere adjustment. To be assigned kilometric readings and cases to digest, along with other homework required, was more than what my understanding of adjustment is. With being terrified in reports and recitation; not to mention, a series of hell weeks. I thought ‘A’ meant ‘asking’, asking the LORD if I heard HIM right, and for the grace and grit to keep on. I had ‘Soul Space’ and YouVersion Bible App downloaded on my phone. Who would have thought technology would have me stay grounded spiritually? Besides technology, I also use the ‘Brain Dump’ technique , which I learned from a church mate back in Ortigas. I would write whatever random things enter my head, first thing in the morning for 10 minutes, tear the paper into pieces and throw it in a bin. Then I adapted to not tearing the paper but identifying priorities. That practice did not just help me release that emotion of being anxious. It also guided me to break down tasks into small steps and do them one at a time. Then, I became less overwhelmed.

Yes! I was less overwhelmed. But they say, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. At times I thought, It’s better to stop and keep going elsewhere; because I am not tough. When none of the mindfulness exercises work, I would go to that sweet spot in my room and pour out my heart and eyes in prayer.. After a while that ‘asking the LORD…’ would turn into what others perceive it to be, an adjustment period. Because of Law School, I went back to journaling my raw experiences- the good, the not so good and the failed recits, the hellweek all-nighters and the flanking major exam results which makes you feel like you did not study at all. Of course, I also keep with me a gratitude notebook where I write the things I am grateful for- from the most mundane to the most complex. Then I would realize that life is really just like that, but it’s not all ‘bad stuff’.

I came to think of it. There were also a number of adjustments done by the College of Law in assigning homework and digests. In one subject, we were assigned a number of cases, and we were asked to digest two cases per provision. I was able to dive deep into all the assigned cases by then. Our professors did not just teach the law and jurisprudence, adapted flexible teaching styles to our various situations and needs, but also walked us through. It did not make studying law amidst the pandemic easy, but bearable.

Truth be told, some of my Mental Health Challenges were self-made. My attempt to help everybody whenever they ask for help, took a toll on me. My failure to set boundaries caused me burn-out. There were times I would run to the telephone and dial the 700 Club Hotline or the NCMH (National Center for Mental Health) USAP TAYO Help Line. Remembering myself telling people, there is no shame asking for clinical help; I took advantage of the free consultation provided by NCMH. After all, prevention is always better than cure. After which, I talked to people and asked them how they can help themselves with the tools I initially provided. I learned to reply with ‘No’ and ‘I will get back to you after…’, or ‘Please speak with….’ . I am sure that I am called to be a channel of blessing. But I learned that I cannot bless everyone the same way, at the same time. And, as the maxim goes, 'Nemo dat quod non habet' (You cannot give what you do not have.) The same compassion that I try to give people, I should give myself first.

Today, I am amazed how I got through my first year alive and sane. It was never easy to see the resolved, confident and proud student who joined (and won most often than not) everything she thought related to the study of law gone. But it was liberating to realize my inherent worth. How many times had I fallen short of strength , knowledge retention, skill, and grit but HIS grace was more than enough? Countless! I remembered the times I was reading the SCRA but the letters would just pass through my eyes. Nothing seemed to get retained in my brain. But to be a part of a community of law students of various backgrounds, makes me realize that I’m not the only one. This pandemic has that capacity to see how ‘alone’ you are. But thank GOD for technology, I can be alone ‘together’ -with my family, faith communities and support groups.

One thing that helped me thrive amidst the challenges are my meaningful relationships . I have been blessed with a very supportive family and friends, understanding and non-judging faith communities, and law student support groups. My family never fails to cheer me on, in our group chat. In fact, my sister sponsored a psychological training app which walks me through dealing with the Mental Health Challenges in and out of law school. Every week, I get to meet my Law Christian Fellowship Hubmeet where we share the same struggles, joy and hope. I also enjoyed virtual coffee breaks and study sessions with my Lex In Motion Family. It led me to form an accountability-support group within the class where we aimed to get better than our previous selves without being harsh. A regular Breather Session and Bible Study was initiated, while we do ‘Alone Together’ virtual study sessions. I thought I would have been a channel of blessing, but I was far more blessed.

True enough, the same call to step on a stage and hold a microphone, is the same call to study and soak in books. Looking back, I reckoned that call was more of reassurance. I remembered the very promise I took with me before enrollment,

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10

My mental health challenges were not necessarily caused by Law School, rather, it was the microphone to those words. Hopefully, I would only have three to four more years in the University. But as I go along, I am sure that there will be so many reasons to be dismayed and so many scenarios to fear. At the end of the day, GOD is God. Last school year, He has strengthened me and helped me through people, technology, and various circumstances. The message is simple, HE got this and I am not alone.

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