Gnōthi Seauton For Mental Health

'In trying to understand others, you failed to understand yourself.'

That was the statement I took home from an 'In Touch' session (as Gray Matters would call it) Last May 25, 2020. It was the last day of my sick leave, the reckoning whether I should stay at my workplace or leave for good. But besides being the end, or the beginning of my real rest, it was when I first consulted a clinical Psychologist. I had to seek professional help after an ordeal at the workplace. (https://stripedjar.wixsite.com/salticket2church/post/the-detour-done) Although I have been praying for professional help and the environment that will give me more time to look for one(https://stripedjar.wixsite.com/salticket2church/post/my-mental-health-journey-getting-professional-help-with-the-lens-of-faith); Ironically, it was only answered during lock-down, given the edge for modern technology. I was booked for the date I mentioned, 10:00 AM sharp. Not only that it was my first time to consult a psychologist, it was my first time getting checked via video call. 'It was no skype, g-meeting, zoom, or what. It was an application meant for the experts.' I thought. Gray matters Psychological Center emailed me with the instructions. And, it was so easy. What wasn't easy was to go back to the moment I was bullied, slandered, and gas-lighted. Again, I no longer count it against them. But the very reason I signed up for professional help is that I know I am very much unable to process the pain, on my own.

Grateful was an understatement, for Doctor Meg's patience. For an emotional person like me, 'How did you feel?' would seem like a no-brainer question. It wasn't. She would have me retell what happened from day one and would ask me how did I feel each time. It was very hurting. But at the same time, it was a big part of getting my wounds cured. The prevalent feeling that ordeal was the pain. Doc Meg helped me process the underlying emotions that I buried because I did not want to hurt anyone, neither do I want the conflict to prolong. She listened with empathy and complete attention. I told her how I went to vent on God -my anger and bitterness, resolved to consider how I am part of the conflict too, and reconcile with my offender. She did not invalidate my way of resolve but made me see what I missed. I did not listen to myself.

I can never discount the help that I got from the nurses of my previous company, my family, and the faith community. Thank God for them. But GOD must have known that I needed more help. I knew it! Bullying is more about the bully than the victim. I just really needed to hear it from someone when I was on the hurting side, from a Doctor. As I said, I was praying for a Psychologist for another reason. But I guess those reasons are linked to the ordeal. This would not be the last session anyway. We're up for 6 more. I would need to manage anxiety symptoms, process traumatic experiences of bullying, and have a better relationship with myself with the Doctor’s help. I just remembered what Socrates said about wisdom, 'To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.'

Not that I turned Socratisian from Christian. But from that time, I committed to asking myself from time to time these questions:

Looking back, I have been intentionally praying Psalm 139:23-24

'Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.'

Maybe, He has been speaking. I was not just listening. Asking myself how am I whenever I get triggered, how would my body react and how would I respond- could probably reveal a lot of ugly things about me. This may not be your cup of tea. But at the end of the day, I know I am forgiven upon confession and cleansed from all my filth. (1John1:9). And I am sure, he/she who is forgiven much, love much. I was just tired of me.

Let's get real. Why did I not seek spiritual help then? I was getting all the help I should get from GOD even as I was seeking professional aid. I knew that I had all the right narratives, but my body reacted differently, so maybe He was directing me to get professional help. And this time, this is not just something I know in my mind, but I learned by experience- that even doctors and psychological experts are GOD sent. That, HE taught me through this experience. May 25, 2020- It was the last day of my sick leave, the reckoning whether I should stay at my workplace or leave for good. It was indeed the day where I decided to choose me, to have more time for understanding myself and real rest, and the very first time I stood for my own Mental Health.