MY ONE IN A MILLION HUGOT

Ako yung tipo ng tao na mahilig humugot, lalung lalo na sa hugot ng iba. I have delivered poems in writings and stage. I would always get this statement from people I know:

Sabi nila, ‘It takes one to know one.’

Katulad yan ng kasabihan na galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw. I have been a mental health advocate for two years, now. But, years before I came to faith- I have my own practice of mental health stigma. Even when I was a new believer, I had this certain apathy towards the people I’ve now been calling ‘thrivers’ (a coined word I have for people with mental illness). I used to use ‘OCD’ and ‘Depressed’ as adjectives.

THE PRELUDE

That quiet time in 2016 revolutionized how I viewed Mental Health. It was late in the evening, in a Retreat with Christian Friends, na siguro that time ay walang magawa kaya nakapagdugsungan ng tula(who maybe , that time, got nothing to do so they joined me doing poetry chain), one brother came to me asking- ‘Shouldn’t we have a ‘purpose’ for this?’.So, I asked the Lord kung para saan yung sinumulan ko’ng kalokohan. He spoke to me saying:

6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

-Isaiah 58

Hindi ko Siya naintindihan. Not out of boasting, but His grace cause me to write and speak against every injustice I encounter in my lifetime.The verse made me wrestle with him for weeks , asking Him- “What do You mean?’ During that time, a lady very close to me was undergoing treatment for some medical conditions na psychological in nature. I am a witness to her journey- her suffering, her courage to seek help and the stigma (Until now that she’s medicine free). Of all her closest circles, I would say-God has equipped me not just to understand her, but to feel her. I knew God even used her condition for her to seek Him.

One time, I was really feeling dry spiritually, like I was inclined to just go through the motions. It is not a one in a million occasion. I would often feel that inclination. And, every time I do- I would remember a very personal story. It made me want to join the online support group she was on.

Sabi nila, ‘It takes one to know one.’ Eto kasi yun:

MY STORY THAT IS NOT EVERYONE ELSE’S STORY

‘Iyan si Toby, mabait yan pero may pagkamaldita.’

That’s how my mom would remember me as a kid. Little did she know that I suffered from intrusive thoughts. What were evident were my unfounded fears. I had extreme fears of darkness, the ocean and unexplainable creatures and more. Whether they were brought by the experience of a national blackout and a tsunami, and the tales of our kasambahay (helpers) about white ladies and tikbalang- I wasn’t sure. But Papa would have to chase me to get wet in the sea. I would cry when someone dives the waters. Mind you, whenever I was afraid, they would see me shivering and running even from them and sometimes-almost passing out. I couldn't recall how many times I acted differently in the presence of intrusive thoughts.

The thought of an all knowing God, in a performance driven world, was rather terrifying than comforting. Until, I was introduced to JESUS at DVBS (Daily Vacation Bible School that happened every summer of my childhood). That time I understood how loving God is. Although at first, I only went there for perks of playmates and rewards from my Lola. I grew a certain fondness of my heart in His words. In spite of a moment of bliss in His words, the route of me knowing Him and accepting Him fully was long and winding. I had a fair share of trying to prove Him wrong until high-school, since I could not really undo my intrusive thoughts.

But, once in my life (about 14-16 years old), I felt like on the verge of losing my sanity. I was tired of threats to my family's life and togetherness, academic standing and sanity itself. It was a long while. In between were thoughts of death being oh so attractive. As a victim of bullying, it's frustrating how you can never be enough and how nothing would suffice for people to love you for real, lest leave you alone. But God has consistently used people to woo me: my Lola and her sister together with their church mates, my Christian classmates who prayed for me to come to Jesus, (One introduced me to a book that led me to meditate His words without calling it anything). They didn't force me to pray, they prayed for me.

One time, I stumbled upon a Christian Radio Program in an FM radio. I was trying to look for an FM Radio station that would play my playlist because I was too tired. Preaching on Mathew 11:28, it felt like the preacher was echoing my heart saying,

‘Parehas lang naman nakakapagod ang gumawa ng mabuti o ng masama. Anuman ang dahilan, inaanyayahan ka ni HESUS na lumapit sa Kanya para magpahinga…’

I, who thought that no one would love me knowing who I am, received His rest from the Truth that while I was trying to be perfect and is completely unlovable-HE lived the life I can never live, die the death that should be mine and is risen to life (that is my hope). It was only then, that His words had the power over my intrusive thoughts. HE was humble and kind, that he dealt with me according to my pace (slow). Finally, I found the rest that I sought from everywhere. Or I must say, ‘Rest’ has found me. HIS love is casting out my every fear. My intrusive thoughts were replaced by His words slowly but surely. Had my intrusive thoughts and feeling of being in the depth of nowhere visited me? The lamentations from the book of Psalms helped me pray when I couldn't find the words. Twice in my campus ministry, did depression and an intrusive thought made me question if I am really saved. But, God used them to make me understood these words:

14 So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. 15 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. 16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

-Hebrews 4

THE START OF A JOURNEY

Remembering that story of mine grew a hope in my heart: to be someone God can use to a suffering world, even a suffering church. I would not understand what intimacy with God mean had I not been broken. And, what the enemy meant for evil-God turned it for my good. My fears and intrusive thoughts made feel my need of Him. I felt Him in my pains, even with joy. I was a wandering sufferer. Sa kabilang banda, I wonder how many young people are there, even in the walls of the church, are feeling hopeless in depth of emotional sickness like I did. Because not everyone would have the same story of healing as mine, I remember each Christian, the Christians in that online mental health support group who weirdly find rest in Jesus but not in His church, each broken people too hurt by the people of the pulpit, to come to His rest and each people of God who were misunderstood at their very own spiritual family (that all they ever wanted was a way out.)

Their chain was once my chain and their cords were once my cords. And if God is making me join Him losing their chains and untying their cords, I’m joining Him. After all, HE will equip me. If you are reading this, and you claim to have a personal relationship with Jesus- I hope you’ll join me in prayer, and if HE wills, join us in this walk.

#MentalHealthMatters #FightTheMHStigma